Photo: Markus Winkler
Power always makes a cubic centimetre of chance available to a warrior. The warrior's art is to be perennially fluid in order to pluck it.
A good ten years ago, while I was working in a BMW workshop, the guys decided it would be a great idea to grab a couple of beers at the new Hooters bar that had opened at the casino down the way. As one can imagine, in a workshop to the east of Johannesburg, this kind of event was met with great excitement. While I can honestly say that scantily clad women waiting tables wasn’t really my thing, the beer that they wielded was.
Nevertheless, being a Friday, we were obviously not the only ones with this idea. When we arrived at the casino, the queue to get into the bar was 100 people strong. Being optimistic that the queue would die down over time, we decided to have a couple of beers at the News Cafe—the bar we all used to frequent—across from the Hooters. Due to the fact that we easily got a table and the sombre looks on the waitrons’ faces, we were not the only ones put off by the growing queue at the newcomers.
One by one, the excuses started to come out of the guys. “My wife needs me home”, “the kids are complaining”, “I’m not waiting for this kak”, and so, one by one, they left. Eventually, it was just me and another technician slowly sipping our beers trying to decide if waiting was worth it. I have always been a bit of an optimist and, presented with a challenge like this, I was hell-bent on getting in. In times like these, I tend to seek ways to stack pressure so that I am pushed to act. Now it was just a matter of devising a way to get passed the wait.
The queue extended around the corner and quite a way into the casino lobby. At the front, there was everything you’d expect from a popular club: a bouncer, a hostess — with a list on a clipboard — and a red rope hanging between two poles that the bouncer would unclip to usher new patrons in as others left. Those ropes lined the queue about 10 people deep. If there was a will, there was a way. It was then that the above quote popped into my head. All I need is a cubic centimetre of chance.
Then my phone rang; my sister.
“Kyle! What are you doing? Chris [her boyfriend at the time] and I are on our way to check out the new Hooters. You keen?”
Now, I have to admit, normal people would have informed the excited couple about the gargantuan queue and suggest an alternative. But not me. In my twenties, I saw myself as the guy who could do just about anything.
“As luck would have it, I’m already here!” I confidently replied.
“Oh wow. Okay, I heard it’s quite busy, do you have a table?” she asked.
The cubic centimetre had presented itself.
“Of course! Would you expect anything less?” I laughed. And I knew that I had a fair amount of time to make a plan with Friday traffic. “How far are you guys?”
“We’re just finding parking.”
PANIC.
The last thing I want to do is disappoint my little sister. Or, if I was honest, giver her or her boyfriend an opportunity to doubt my ability to deliver...or tell the truth. I had to act and act fast.
I ended the call, downed my beer, left some cash for the bill and stood up. I walked straight to a couple that was maybe 12 people from the front, far enough as to avoid the eyes of the bouncer. There was also a small group behind them that were excited chatting away. I figured that if I slip in there, I’d go fairly unnoticed.
As I approached the queue, the couple turned to face me. Busted. I was forced to play open cards.
“Guys, I am in a pickle here. I need to get in. If I just slip in behind you guys, then we’re all good provided the group behind don’t notice,” I pleaded, gesturing to the group as I did. But, as anyone that knows me will attest, my whisper voice is anything but a whisper, and the group behind the couple were now staring at me with less than impressed expressions.
I smiled and slipped in anyway.
Lucky for me, they were not the confrontational type, but I could hear them discussing their disgust at my brazen act between themselves. I figured that it would die down in a bit and I’d be fine. But, as a group, they moved closer to the couple effectively pushing me out of the line. I stepped towards the wall that they line ran against, rather than out, which only pissed them off even more. Now I was standing next to the group, pinned between one of them and the wall. It was something that was definitely not going unnoticed by the bouncer. By then, we were about five from the front, including the couple.
The disgruntled group were still gossiping about me. They weren’t trying to conceal it either. This was not going well. And that’s when I heard one of them say: “we should say something.”
The antagonist called to the bouncer. Fortunately, there was a fair amount of ambient noise and he didn’t hear. But our antagonist called again. This time, the bouncer looked up to see what was going on. My jig was up.
During this commotion, three people and the couple were let in. Basically, I had lost my cover—I was now directly in front of the bouncer with most of the group trying to explain why I was so evil at the same time. The bouncer couldn’t really make out was going on. I had just sort of resigned to whatever was to happen next.
But then someone tapped on the bouncer’s shoulder. For him, I think, it was a welcome relief from the group vigorously trying to oust me. It was the hostess and, beside her, I saw a familiar face. Another of my sister’s friends.
“OMG Kyle!!! You remembered my birthday! I honestly didn’t think you would come!” she shouted, then turned to the hostess, “He’s with me, can you let him in?”
The hostess nudged the bouncer who lifted the red rope of destiny and I was in. The only thing better than this fortuitous coincidence was the muted faces of the group behind me.
My sister phoned as I got to the table. I told her to go to the front and meet me there. By then, I had a beer in tow.
Sometimes, you just need to trust that little voice within you and risk it for the brisket.
A few radical things
Here are a few radical things I discovered this week:
Tao chilli. Take a cup of soy sauce, about 80g of crushed fresh green chilli (I like it hot), half a teaspoon of both ginger and crushed garlic, and a full teaspoon of honey, and put it into a saucepan. Simmer for 10 minutes and enjoy liberally on everything. Unbelievable.
I found a great little initiative if you’re in South Africa. Wade Bales Wine Club. Essentially, you sign up, choose a tier, and get a box of 6 bottles of wine every month. What’s more, you can customise your tastes:
This super cool productivity hack. Apparently the president of Bethlehem Steel in the 1900s asked Ivy Lee to give his executives a productivity hack. This bro just says to each one: “write six things down on a piece of paper the night before, and make sure you get them done before you go to be the next day.” It was so effective the bro sent Lee a bunch of money to say thanks. I tried it this week and it’s strangely effective.
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